This review has spoilers, largely because I don’t think anyone with any sense really cares about that sort of thing, and because I can’t tell you how truly bad this film is without citing specific piles of flaming garbage that I encountered during the three hours of my life that I wasted whilst watching it.
Like many, I went into this film with high expectations, because the previous film showed a lot of promise. The Force Awakens felt like a set-up film; it reintroduced old characters, introduced new characters, and left several questions unanswered at the end – which was fine. It’s good to leave the audience wondering and wanting a bit more when you’re working with a series of films.
Overall, TFA wasn’t bad. I felt like Han Solo’s death was a bit gratuitous, but if it advanced the character of Kylo Ren, so be it. Harrison Ford is getting old, and you have to make the hard decisions to write an aging character out of the movie when you can. Otherwise, the actor/actress could die, and you’re stuck with an awkward off-screen death, re-casting, or creepy CGI replacement.
The Luke Skywalker cliffhanger at the end of TFA didn’t bother me, either. It was a nice setup for TLJ; it left us wondering what Luke has been up to, and excited to see all the cool stuff he must have been doing at that ancient Jedi temple all those years.
So, naturally, you walk into The Last Jedi thinking you’re going to get some interesting revelations about Luke, and some more backstory on Kylo, Rey, and Snoke. Naturally, there would be a fitting end to Princess Leia, because we all knew Carrie Fisher died shortly after filming.
Hah.
This film did nothing right.
Rian Johnson was credited with writing and directing this movie, and he should never get a job in Hollywood again. It’s the worst Star Wars movie by a wide margin. It did nothing to advance the story in any meaningful fashion, it offered no significant character development for any of the main heroes or villains, and it utterly wasted every one of the veteran actors of the original series.
This film is a bloated waste of time and money that seems more concerned with advancing a political agenda than telling an interesting story, has utterly nonsensical plot points, and in many cases completely abandons any canonical structure from the franchise that it is meant to be built upon.
I’ve read a lot of apologists who say that haters only dislike this film because it is so “different” and “groundbreaking.”
False. This film is a disjointed, pointless mess that also shits on its own history. Is it different? Yes – it is different; the same way a cancer cell is different from a healthy one.
(From this point forward, we’re entering heavy spoiler territory.)
Rather than summarize the entire film chronologically, I’m going to comment on each character, and how this film managed to screw every one of them up:
Luke Skywalker: We get it. He fucked up training Ben Solo, just as Ben Kenobi fucked up training Anakin Skywalker. That much was establish in TFA. So, what’s he been doing for 20+ years at the Jedi temple? By his own admission: Waiting to die.
Seriously. Luke Skywalker ran to a sacred, hidden Jedi temple to suck milk from an alien manatee, cut himself off from the Force, and die. He didn’t face the problem he’d created. He wasn’t forced into hiding. He abandoned his friends and family for no other reason than his own self-loathing and somehow kept himself alive for decades, despite wanting to die.
Then, at the end of the movie, R2-D2 guilts him into getting off his ass (because, Chewbacca can’t, Rey can’t, his sister can’t, and the death of his best friend can’t…), and even then, does he lift that X-wing out of the water, in an homage to ESB, and fly it into glorious battle?
No. He somehow manages to astral-project himself across the galaxy, has a fake, 30 second lightsaber fight with Kylo Ren, then dies of exertion, because evidently Luke Skywalker is a complete bitch now.
Princess Leia: Carrie Fisher deserved better. She’s fine in the movie, right up until where she should have died. Kylo Ren can’t bring himself to fire on the bridge of her ship… he knows his mom is there… but his wingmen do, and while he’s left with the guilt of doing nothing to save her, at least there’s a glimmer of hope for him, as he didn’t actually pull the trigger.
A moment later, we see Princess Leia adrift… and then, somehow, a character who has never demonstrated any actual use of the Force manages to survive the vacuum of space, and pull herself back into an airlock and live. She doesn’t die in this movie.
Let me repeat that: They filmed a scene where Princess Leia would have been given an entirely reasonable and meaningful death, and instead, they gave her an utterly unbelievable means to survive. Even though Carrie Fisher died well before the movie was complete. Even though they knew there was no way to include her in the next film without re-casting (preposterous) or using CGI (absurd).
Why? Why? Why? I cannot figure this out. If the next person who interviews Rian Johnson does not ask him this one question, first and foremost, they have failed as a journalist. This was completely idiotic.
Let’s pause to recap: Mark Hamill is alive and well, and yet Luke Skywalker was given a nonsensical death in this film. Carrie Fisher is six feet under, and Princess Leia survived this film in spite of impossible circumstances.
Rey: Remember how Rey was on Jakku, and we knew nothing about her, or her parents, but we knew there had to be *some* connection between her and the previous films, because otherwise, there’s just no WAY the Millennium Falcon just HAPPENS to be on the same backwater shithole at the edge of the galaxy as she is, right? I mean, she’s strong with the force, her parentage is unknown, but THERE’S THE SHIP LUKE AND HAN USED TO RIDE AROUND IN ALL THE TIME… there’s GOT to be a connection, right?
Nope.
None whatsoever. Her parents are nobodies who just abandoned her. Complete coincidence. Utterly meaningless. She’s a full-blown Mary Sue, folks. She has incredible Force powers, just *happens* to find Han’s old ship lying around, and joins the rebellion by accident, despite having no meaningful attachment to any character in the lore of Star Wars at all.
Look, Luke Skywalker on Tatooine made sense. Obi Wan was there to watch over Vader’s kid. The rebellion dropped droids there to find Obi Wan. One thing led to another.
Rey? We have to believe Rey was just in the right place at the right time, with the most iconic vehicle in the series just sitting there collecting dust.
Po: Po’s the only guy who gets any character development. He’s a hothead superpilot who has to learn that not everyone is as impossibly skilled at flying spaceships as he is, nor do they all have overpowered BB-8 droids to help them out. So, by the end of the film, he learns not to send people on suicide missions. Other than that, he spends most of the movie moping. Awesome.
Finn: Finn wastes most of the movie going on a wild goose chase, where his whole plot arc exists to lecture us on the evils of wealth, owning animals for sport, and how it’s perfectly OK to destroy the property of people you disagree with politically. He’s essentially there as the avatar of Black Lives Matter, AntiFa, and Occupy Wall Street. I’m kind of glad that Benicio Del Toro’s character screws him over to make a buck. Pay attention, Millennials – your lofty ideals don’t put food on the table.
Kylo Ren: So much potential here. I like Adam Driver, and I like the character. He’s more interesting than Darth Vader ever was, because you can believe he’s really an unbalanced psychopath with more power than he knows how to handle. The worst part about him is that he seems incompetent.
Snoke: Who is he? Where did he come from? Is he a Sith lord? An old student of Palpatine? A fallen Jedi? We finally see him up close, we finally get him monologuing, and then… he’s dead.
That’s it. Snoke’s dead, and we have no idea who he was. He existed for a movie and a half just to prop up Kylo Ren for a bit. And this weakens Kylo Ren’s character, because he apparently fell sway to a dark master that was, in the end, a complete nobody.
Chewbacca: Chewie can’t even enjoy a damned meal without being made to feel guilty about it. Congratulations, Rian – your vegan message was delivered loud and clear.
Yoda: A weak attempt at comic relief, who can suddenly cast bolts of lightning from the afterlife.
Laura Dern’s Character: Obligatory purple-haired feminist. Sorry, I don’t remember her name in the movie. I’ve already started trying to drink this film away…
That’s it folks. That’s all I’ve got. Don’t pay to see this movie in the theaters – it needs to tank, and Disney needs to get their shit together with this franchise, because it is way off the fucking rails.
Star Wars movies, even the prequels, used to be a cultural event – a must-watch piece of entertainment.
No longer. I won’t get suckered into rushing out to see another of these movies on opening night ever again.
Leave your comments here, or call me out on twitter. I’m @Deadpoolverine
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